Blimey, So Many Gods! (Part II)
A definitive guide to Vicki's crazy family by world-renowned expert Dr. Jolene Bronwyn
This is the in-character “blog” of Jolene Bronwyn of The Prophecies of Ragnarok book series, maintained and written by Marie Sinadjan. Character art by Marion Janella. Subscribe for free to learn more about her world!
Welcome back to my new series IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD AND I REALLY REALLY DON’T WANT TO DIE! I’m Jolene, reporting live from England, where the weather outside is bloody frightful and the fire is so not delightful 🥶
“It’s just snow, Jo,” you say. Just snow? Where the hell have you been, in a bloody bunker? It’s late April and it’s been snowing nonstop for over a week! And, according to a reliable source, this freaking winter is going to last for… wait for it…
I’m surprised we still even have Internet. (Maybe we’re the only one with Internet? Because ✨magic✨. Is anybody even reading this??? Oh well. ARCHAEOLOGISTS OF THE FUTURE, THIS IS HISTORY AS IT IS UNFOLDING. I AM PRESERVING A CHRONICLE OF OUR DOWNFALL FOR YOU.)
Quick recap: last week I talked about Ragnarok, mentioned a few of the nine realms, and gave you the tea on the sibling rivalry that’s behind the apocalypse. Today we’ll dive into the assholes of Asgard!
Asgard and the Allfather
What Wikipedia says: In Nordic mythology, Asgard ("enclosure of the Æsir") is a location associated with the gods. It is described as the fortified home of the Æsir gods, often associated with gold imagery. Many of the best-known Nordic gods are Æsir or live in Asgard.
(Shut up, Vicki!!! I can quote Wikipedia and I will. If they want something serious and boring, they can read your dissertation 🙄)
Anyway, while another reliable source said that this photo on Wikipedia at least captures the aesthetic:
Asgard is so much bigger, with a massive wall on all sides, and a giant tree somewhere on the horizon. It’s orderly, it’s bright — the gold palace is so much more golden, and the rainbow bridge so much more rainbower. (Don’ t be fooled though, Asgard is the capital of toxic masculinity!!)
Keyword: So Much. That’s because Asgard’s king, who has somehow decided he’s also the ruler of all the other realms, is the King of Extra. Who the hell calls himself the Allfather when the only part of that title he tries to live up to is the “all”??
I haven’t met the geezer, but I’ve met some of his sons, so let’s talk about him through them! Seriously, the daddy issues in this family are off the charts. You’ll see.
Meet the Odinsons
Because there’s so many of them, I put together this family tree. You’re welcome. (Apparently there’s more of them and they’re just either not popular or still unaccounted for??? Vicki said this is just to the best of his memory, which is super weird these days. He’s starting to get a mix of flashbacks all over history… I mean he’s old, technically, but the Salem witch hunts?? Really? You were there too???)
Alright, you might want to grab another cuppa because things are about to get real interesting. And since we’re talking about a royal family, I’m going to list his sons in order of succession. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Ragnarok is a civil war, remember?
1. Baldr, the Shining Prince
Odin got around, and I mean he really got around, but he only had two children with his wife. Twin boys. This bloke’s the heir, or at least he was, because he’s dead now. Killed by mistletoe. I’m serious!!!
Yeah that did not work out for him.
He’s apparently really hot, and definitely not bald, despite his name.
His Daddy Issue: He has a son, but the kid’s not his. I just said it a few sentences ago. Odin got around.
2. Hodr, the Winter God
The younger twin. You know how royal families have an heir and a spare? Yeah, this bloke is Viking Prince Harry.
And he does not know how to let it go!!!!!!!!
Last I checked, he has some kind of cultish following in the Philippines now??? There was a Facebook post of him “filming a movie” at a local theme park that went viral and they thought he was Seb Stan (with his Winter Soldier hair) or something.
His Daddy Issue: He hooked up with the daughter of his father’s rival and later killed his twin brother in a bid for the throne, so naturally Odin gouged his eyes out and had him executed. It’s Game of Thrones level shit, man.
3. Thor, the God of Thunder
NOT CHRIS HEMSWORTH I AM SO GUTTED :(((((((((((((
SERIOUSLY HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE CHRIS HEMSWORTH!!!!!!!!!!!
His goats went viral on TikTok though, just before the snowpocalypse. But unlike in the Marvel film, his goats walked on two legs, talked, and wore cute suits and ties.
BUT THOR LOOKED NOTHING LIKE CHRIS HEMSWORTH!!!!!
His Daddy Issue: He’s actually the firstborn, and one of Odin’s top henchmen, but he’s a bastard, so he’s not going anywhere near that throne. Also, his father banged his wife, as an insider confirmed.
4. Vidar, the Silent God
Eh, we can skip him. Bloke’s basic. Super strong, has killer boots. He likes cats.
His Daddy Issue: He fell in love with a mortal and Odin was super against it, he had the poor, sweet girl killed.
5. Tyr, the God of War
The One-Handed Canadian. Certified asshole. Seriously, I hope he’s not my ancestor!!! He’s a war freak and has no regard for life and safety! YOU CAN THANK HIM FOR ALL THE PROPERTY DAMAGE, CANADA.
His Daddy Issue:
6. Heimdall, the Watchman
Marvel at least got his “guarding the Bifrost” vibe right.
His Daddy Issue: I have no idea what he’d done to piss Odin off, but, really? Made to guard a rainbow bridge all his life? That’s got to be the worst, most boring job in Asgard. (Maybe he’s gay???? His life sentence feels very homo/transphobic. But at least he gets a good view…)
7. Bragi, the God of Music
Viking Taylor Swift. Or perhaps more accurately, Taylor’s patron god, she just doesn’t know it.
His Daddy Issue: His wife had an affair with his father. Boom. See how he’s inspired all the songs about heartbreak and people’s shitty exes?
8. Vali, Little Odin
The youngest of Odin’s 8 and apparently his mini version. I hope he’s not slept with his brothers’ wives, but to be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if he already did.
His Daddy Issue: Even if you were like your dad, you probably wouldn’t like to be called junior, would you?
If I’m still not (and you’re still not) a popsicle by next week, we’ll take a trip to the other side of the pond and get to know Loki and his monster children! Wish me luck!